NORTH ADAMS >> As we continue to slouch towards November, the presidential campaign is heating up, at least insofar as a really hot temperature in a room can result in almost everyone leaving.
Bernie Sanders is still technically in the race, and still technically a member of the Democratic party, but as I already wrote a column about him last year, it's time to discuss the two most likely contenders: Joe Biden and Jeb Bush.
No, that pair of JBs would have been my best guess a few years ago, but truth is often stranger than fiction (which seems odd given that any strange truth could be made into a stranger fiction by adding a giraffe in a kilt that feeds you spaghetti, but I digress). And while Hillary Clinton may long have been the presumptive democratic candidate, Donald Trump surprised many by outlasting all his Republican competitors. Heck, I even co-wrote a musical about him, now playing in Orlando, Fla. until the end of May.
But sometimes rhyming isn't enough. In order to really get to the truth of a candidate, you have to use anagram augury, mixing up the letters of their name to see what is revealed. But there's no reason that can't also be done in the form of a poem:
Some people praise the bold ideas of mister DONALD TRUMP,
Some people think he's just a loud insulting DOLT AND RUMP.
He wants to keep out immigrants, and halt their MUD TROD PLAN,
So Mexicans and Muslims don't make this their ROT DUMP LAND;
Though immigrants made us great before, now they're a DARN DUMP LOT.
To make the country great again, Trump says he'll DRUM AND PLOT,
Yet when queried on specifics, you can see this MAD LORD PUNT.
Insulting bluster covers for a washed-up DAMP OLD RUNT,
Who acts the childish tadpole; we need MR. POND ADULT.
And that's why people say that he's an unkind RUMP AND DOLT.
Of course, fair and balanced reporting does demand we offer the other side, because anagram augury is as effective for Democrats as it is for Republicans:
Who likes to listen to the words of madame HILLARY CLINTON?
Perhaps the lovers of lies for whom all the THRILL LAY IN CON.
A lawyer by trade, her fortune was made when asking "CAN HILL TRY 'LION'?"
And with pride, and her honey, she raked in some money, putting a HALT ON ILL CRYIN'.
At first a Republican, campaigned for Goldwater, though some might THINLY CALL 'RINO',
In name only, for soon she switched parties, leaving some Repubs saying CANNILY, 'HI, TROLL"
For it's President Bill Clinton people adored, and his wife on the TRAIL NON-CHILLY,
Using heat from his seat to bring Bernie defeat, riding high on the CLAN INTRO: HILLY.
Thus Ms. Clinton without any guilt played her dynasty role to the HILT, ALL-IN CRONY.
But she's clearly too comfortable in the position, some don't want a CHILLIN' RAT ONLY.
Yet in spite of all this, she's still better than Trump, the Democrats ALL CORNILY HINT,
Come November, they must hold their nose, with their hopes all relying ON HILLARY CLINT.
As for me, if you were to ask me which of these candidates I would like to be president, my sincere answer would be: Neither.
SETH BROWN sits around in a SNOW BERTH flavoring soups with TOWN HERBS to invent NEW BROTHS. His website is RisingPun.com