NORTH ADAMS — We already knew that there were scores of parenting experts inhabiting the internet, including everyone's favorite kind, the ones without children, but last week we learned that there are also millions of people well-versed in gorilla behavior and zoo security, as well as emergency response. It's an exciting thing to discover.
It got me thinking. The internet is full of experts. They show their expertise about literally everything through their Twitter feeds and the comments sections of various websites.
Wouldn't it be amazing if we could harness all that human brilliance and make it work for a better world? All those geniuses are out there, staring at their iPhones and waiting to show the world that they are problem solvers. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could unite them to solve the great problems of our time? Who knew such brilliance was in our midst?
A huge portion of our internet experts are not only keen to explain how things work, but to also explore the moral aspects of issues, to lead the way to retribution in a clear, well thought out manner that is a perfect replacement for things like courts and due process. That's why when parents lose their kid and the kid pops up in a gorilla pen, there is not just the helpful spectacle of commentary, but also passionate online petitions calling for the parent's incarceration, because that's a logical and reasonable response.
One area of the internet that boasts a huge number of deep thinkers is the study of Amy Schumer's body, the not daintiness of it, particularly. I believe this is a particularly male area of expertise, and, boy, do they like to show off what they know.
Actually, I call bull on this. I don't think these guys know much about Amy Schumer's body at all. I think what they actually know a lot about is getting a reaction out of someone who craves attention. They know how to create a back and forth with the kind of person who is, generally speaking, beyond their social reach. Amy Schumer is, after all, a celebrity and the definition of celebrity is "a person who craves attention even if it kills them."
I prefer to call these experts on Amy Schumer's body by another name — trolls. Being a troll is more of a calling than a hobby, and it requires being an equal opportunity provocateur armed with the equivalent of a degree in psychology, at the very least. Trolls know exactly what buttons to push to get a rise. And with Schumer, the button is her body image, because that's a lot of other people's button as well — a lot of women's, yes, but men's too, honestly.
Being a troll is the highest form of expertise — it's like having a doctorate in human weakness.
Schumer, being a celebrity, cannot help but respond to trolls. The trolls, being sadists, cannot help but answer back. People, especially women, cannot help but get involved, because they've all been there, it feels personal. It becomes a cycle from which only Schumer emerges unscathed in your news feed after another day of the internet wasting brain cells, passion, time and righteous indignation.
Despite what they say about her, most of those trolls would go on a date with Schumer if she asked.
Most of those parenting experts would freak out if a gorilla grabbed their kid.
Which leads me to believe that the internet isn't full of experts, but frauds. And that is a shame, because if these people don't actually know what they're talking about when they offer a solution to the transgender bathroom controversy, who can we turn to to solve all our problems?
Donald Trump, of course. All your problems solved.
Contact John Seven at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @damnjohnseven.