NORTH ADAMS >> I have never seen a headline that encapsulates the current state of our country more than "Naked Man Tries to Break Into Waffle House After Peeing on the Restaurant's Door."
The story was out of Sandy Springs, Ga. — my native state that has many things to boast about, one them being it's not quite Florida — and, finally, the headlines of July 4 gave me something to feel proud of.
The headline was a metaphorical recap of the Trump candidacy in many ways. We are all the Waffle House and he is trying to pee on all of us, but he has only broken into some of us, but that's OK, because all we really have to offer is warmed-over frozen waffles anyhow. He can stuff his face on that, but it offers little of substance.
If Trump commented on this story at all, his biggest concern, no doubt, would be that the gentleman pressing his naked body against the windows of Waffle House for everyone to gape at is named Bashir Rasheed.
Bashir is an Arabic name which means, amusingly, "one who brings good news," though I've found no mention of what kind of good news specifically. I think we all have an idea.
And, yes, Rasheed is an Arabic last name, too, and the gentleman, from the images I saw, does appear to be of Middle Eastern origin. I apologize for racially profiling like this, but that's what Donald Trump would do and I am trying to keep this accurate.
I know the conclusion that many of you are jumping to and it involves the proximity within which our friends who practice Islam are allowed to approach a Waffle House, but I should remind you that a) we don't know that Bashir practices Islam, and b) earlier this year, the same thing happened, but instead it was someone with the all-American name of Jennifer Nicholson, which means that while 50 percent of naked incidents at Waffle Houses are committed by men with names that imply they might be Muslim, the other 50 percent is committed by white women.
For Donald Trump, this would be great news, since he would be able to promise to take action against any Muslims seen approaching a Waffle House — maybe some walls around Waffle Houses are in order — and it would also give him the opportunity to say something disparaging about women. It would be, in his mind, anyhow, the best news day ever.
However, I'm about to drop a bombshell on these statistics. It turns out that in 2006, two white people, one man and one woman, showed up naked to a Waffle House in Nashville.
This makes 75 percent of naked Waffle House incidents enacted by white people.
Another thing. While Bashir might have relieved himself outside the Waffle House, but the other three were violent, which means that 100 percent of violent incidents by nude people in a Waffle House are white. Maybe it's white people who shouldn't be allowed in Waffle Houses, especially in Georgia, which seem like a magnet for these things.
Now, I understand that the gun lobby has a simple answer for this. When you have a naked bad guy in a Waffle House, all you need is a naked good guy in a Waffle House to set things right. I don't think this makes much sense. Two naked people in a Waffle House do not make us any safer.
Trump would somehow tie in the naked white people to being victims of free trade agreements, so their stripped-bare rage would be understandable, whereas Bashir's would be part of an ideological nakedness that hates us for our freedoms.
Bottom line? Behave yourself at Waffle House. People are trying to eat.
Contact John Seven at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @damnjohnseven. The opinions expressed by columnists do not necessarily reflect the views of The Berkshire Eagle.