Every now and then I need a break from television news or what purports to be the news, and watching the Boston Celtics lose night after night has lost its appeal. Years ago, when the Celtics came to play in Pittsfield against the Lenox Merchants, my dad took me to see Bill Russell and the incredible teams that won NBA championships more routinely than Terry Kinnas invokes the open meeting law. I followed them closely ever since but this year’s edition is a painful reminder that rebuilding is not a quick process.
When I channel surf, all I can find are "reality shows." I’ve tried reality and it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be so I watch snippets of this and that until my dog informs me that it’s time to hit the memory foam.
Last night I counted sheep and listened to the rhythmic breathing of my cairn terrier when I was interrupted by a Captain Hook-like epiphany. Why not produce a reality show that would incorporate all the current reality shows into one multi-plotted three hour extravaganza -- a veritable hot fudge reality sundae with extra cream and at least two cherries? If you can’t beat reality, you might as well join it and make some serious coin.
I am currently negotiating with producers to create a reality show for the new Compost channel, so I can’t give away the story-line or how all of the subplots will meld together, but I feel comfortable sharing some snippets.
Imagine, if you will, that Bruce Jenner hooks up with a hoarder and Kim Kardashian abandons her current beau for a truck driver who specializes in driving his heavy cargo over extremely thin ice. The hoarder’s cousin is an interior decorator who makes a bet that she can redesign the hoarder’s home to accommodate all of her possessions and still make room for a large kitchen where bakers could compete to make award-winning cakes using ingredients from the hoarder’s stash.
Meanwhile, the truck driver stops along the route to bid on the contents of a storage box and locates items that he and Kim bring to a pawn shop in Las Vegas. While there, the driver takes his truck into a body shop to convert into a powerful motorcycle capable of hauling gems found in the mountains of Colorado. Imagine that the truck driver gets stuck on the George Washington Bridge and he hooks up with the New Jersey state police to determine culpability for the traffic jam. While in New Jersey, he takes a wrong turn and ends up in the Ozark Mountains where he and Kim are forced to trap animals and sell their hides for gas money. She calls Bruce for help but he is unavailable because he’s involved in a high stakes billiards tournament.
You get the idea. Can you imagine the magnetism of such a show and the huge American audience that it would attract! I’d run it opposite the Super Bowl and no doubt it would earn higher ratings.
Meanwhile, a mountain man, hearing of Kim’s plight, challenges an NBA player on the Boston Celtics for the right to save Kim and restore her to former glory. Kim rejects the basketball player again and the plot thickens when the mountain man uses a duck caller to lure Kim back to his lair, grows a thick, scraggly beard and plies her with moonshine from the operation just up the road until she agrees to marry him. All of this takes place before Super Bowl half-time and the audience is now so riveted that even the likelihood of a wardrobe malfunction won’t get folks to change the channel.
The show is really spiced up when we follow the exploits of two guys who are searching for old rare junk near the McCormick factory in downtown Baltimore. They get a flat tire just outside an auto restoration business and watch through the windows as a 1949 Ford is completely overhauled by a heavily bearded guy who looks like a member of the Boston Red Sox. We see Governor Christie angrily denounce a member of a teachers’ union while declaring "I am not a bully!" and Fox news accuses President Obama of directing Hurricane Sandy over New Jersey.
You just can’t make this stuff up! America. You love REALITY. Message received. Soon you will be able to watch reality 24/7 with opportunities to actually interact with cast members using a special DVR feature and you will determine the outcome of some of the episodes in "real" time.
If somebody tells you to "get real," you can tell them that you already have. Encourage your friends to tune into the Compost channel where reality gets old but never stale.
Edward Udel is a frequent Eagle contributor.