Andrew L. Pincus: Epic tales of King Donald
And Tide said, "I command you, fool, you do not command me."
And King Donald said, "Oh yeah? Nobody commands me. I build walls! I am the greatest wall builder in all the history of walls! I shall wall you in!"
And Tide said, "Your only winds are the whirlwind you sowed in Paris."
And King Donald said, "Whirlwind in Paris? Ho-ho, you're a joker, Tide. They love me in Paris. They love me in Saudi Arabia where I did the royal sword dance. I sold weapons. I made the world great again. Tell me, Tide, can you do any of that?"
And Tide said, "I shall swamp your cities. Your seashores. Your golf courses and palaces. All shall be swamped."
And King Donald said, "Ha-ha, you are a hoax, Tide. A hoax, you hear? I do not fear swamps. I drain swamps."
And a great wave washed King Donald out to sea.
* * * * *
And King Solomon said, "Since you ladies cannot agree, I shall cut the baby in half and award you equal parts."
And King Donald said, "Baby killer! I knew it! Baby killer! Where's my base? Rise up, base!"
And the true mother said, "Please spare the child, sire. I love my son. Give him to the other woman, that he might live."
And King Solomon, seeing the truth of the matter, awarded the baby to the true mother. And the people were astonished and praised the wisdom of King Solomon.
And King Donald cried, "Fake news! What kind of a king do you call this? He rules over a nation of immigrants. Ask Egypt about that. I heard it on Fox News."
And the base rose up and defunded Planned Parenthood.
* * * * *
And everything King Midas touched turned to gold. He was rich beyond compare.
And King Donald said, "Behold, I am more golden than he. Nobody is more golden than I."
And King Donald built temples of gold. Yea, verily, I say unto you, King Donald built empires of gold. In his capital city, lobbyists heaped gold at his feet. To gain his favor, politicians sweated gold. Miners brought coal in tribute to the golden hoard.
King Midas' food turned to gold. His daughter turned to gold. He could not eat his food. He could not kiss his daughter.
King Donald said, "You need a daughter like Ivanka, Midas. She knows how to close a deal. Try some of her perfume. It'll make you smell good."
And the advice gave King Midas an idea. He went and bathed in the purifying waters. Food, daughter, everything good was restored to him. He renounced his kingdom and retired to the county to study wisdom.
And King Donald bared his mighty tweeter to offer ex-King Midas a free weekend in his hotel.
And ex-King Midas replied, "All that twitters is not gold."
* * * * *
And King Arthur decreed that the table should be round, that all around it may be equal.
And King Donald said, "Where I come from, I sit at the head of all tables. None shall have voice before me, save only Prince Jared, if he keeps it to a whisper in the ear."
And King Arthur said, "What brings you to our fellowship, sire?"
And King Donald said, "I have come to rid your land of terrorists. I am the greatest enemy of terrorists in all the world. I am also the greatest creator of jobs in all the world. Look at your men, sitting around guzzling mead from their horns. Let us put them to work. Let us root out your terrorists."
And King Arthur, on hearing of King Donald's bravery, challenged him to a joust. And the Knights of the Round Table raised their horns, crying "Joust! Joust! Hear! Hear!"
The next morn, King Donald was seated upon a golden steed, clad in golden armor and given a golden spear. King Arthur was magnificent in shining armor with his stately spear. In the audience the ladies waved hankies and cheered.
And, lo, before the first thrust, a black knight on a black stallion thundered out of the woods with a mighty spear raised, crying, "Long live King Donald!" He whacked King Arthur on the head and knocked him to the tournament ground. The intruder then ripped off his black helmet and black breastplate and, with bared chest, stood revealed to all: King Vladimir, the blackest of all knights.
"My hero! My hero!" cried King Donald.
"Villain! Villain!" cried the Knights of the Round Table, who rose up with King Arthur and gave chase. King Donald whipped out his phone to tweet to his billions of followers the glorious victory he had won over the cowardly King Arthur.
Alas the battery was dead.
Andrew L. Pincus covers classical music for The Eagle and is an occasional opinion page contributor.
TALK TO US
If you'd like to leave a comment (or a tip or a question) about this story with the editors, please email us. We also welcome letters to the editor for publication; you can do that by filling out our letters form and submitting it to the newsroom.