Diogenes of North County: Johnnie Carrier answers readers' questions
It’s once again time to take a look into the old mail bag. Remember you can ask me anything you want except about automotive. The only thing I know about cars is my mechanic’s number. Romance, long-term relationships issues, anything at all, so let’s get right at it.
Dear Johnnie: I have been beaten down with the toilet seat up or down, as if it’s my fault. By thinking outside of the litter box if you will, I have gone into uncharted waters. I have been asking my wife to put the seat up after using it. It’s been a dogfight around here, but I think I’m winning: She has done it once. Any other suggestions? -- The bravest man alive in Dalton
Johnnie: Me? Make a suggestion to the god of all husbands? Me? A mere mortal? No, my friend, you walk alone. I have been changed by my mate. You, my friend, should take copious notes and you will win a Nobel Prize in Behavior Science. If you complete such a Herculean task, you will be the hero of half of the world. Godspeed, John Glenn, you go where no American has gone before. They will call you Pyzmalion!
Dear Johnnie: My husband refuses to leave the house on the weekends. We could go dancing or out to a dinner, then a movie? No! He walks around in his underwear until Monday morning. -- Sometimes, I could just slay him in North Pownal, Vt.
Johnnie: Relax. There are 100 ways to get your husband to get out of the house, short of setting it on fire. Tell him that there are women, long-legged, big-haired girls of questionable reputations. He will go. Tell him that there is chance of a bar fight, a girl fight or a mixed combination where the girl is kicking the guy’s bottom. And finally, mention that this would have been his mom’s 90th birthday. No son can deny a request on his mother’s birthday, it’s a sin. A venial sin, but a sin just the same. Stop nagging and outwit him. He’ll go out if you go about it in these slightly different ways of thinking.
Dear Johnnie: To be honest with you, I’m getting married in a few months and I’m started getting nervous over what I call is the fidelity clause. I don’t know if I can make it for eternity. Do I tell my wife that I’m having misgivings? -- Monogamy Mike in Austerlitz, N.Y.
Dear Mike: Stop where you are. I am sending over a cluster of married men to talk you over this completely normal thought from a rookie, soon-to-be husband. Don’t move, I’ll be right back. "Calling all cars, calling all cars, we have a 319 in progress." Sorry about that Mike, I wanted to send help you way. You tread on dangerous ground, me boy-o. Never tell your wife such things. That’s not to imply she should find out the hard way, either. Trust me on that one. All these things that you go through will help you get through the next crisis. This whole thing of talking to your wife is like smoking, it’s bad for your health. Plus it’s a major tactical mistake. Keep this stuff up about talking to your wife and you could possibly be considered insane. By now the crisis team is on the way and they will talk you down. I have to go, Mike. My wife is calling me. Š She wants to talk.
Alright, sports fans, that’s it for today’s mail bag. And don’t forget to keep those cards and letters coming.
Johnnie Carrier is a freelance writer, a good natured Falstaff-like fellow and a good egg. "Egg? I hate eggs, it’s liquid chicken." He can be reached at email@example.com.
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