Seth Brown: 'Bard-Mitzvah: A Shakespearean Travelogue'
Act 1, Scene 1 - Train
MACSETH: Woe betide me! Though my cousin I do love, I regret that we must travel to her batmitzvah, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
LADY MACSETH: Though fury thou may have, sound thou mayest not. This is the quiet car, so screw your courage to the sticking-place, and your lower jaw to your upper one.
MACSETH: Wouldst that I could do so, but the rocking of the train torments my innards.
INNARDS: Double, double, toil and trouble; Stomach burn and acid bubble, Nauseating constant motion, serves to brew this sickness potion. When combined with lack of sleep, surely this shall make him weep.
MACSETH: So fair and foul a train ride I had not seen.
Act 1, Scene 2 - Restaurant
MACSETH: Dear family, I drink to the happiness of everyone at the table. Now we can eat the alfredo of human kindness.
SIR TOBY BRUCE: Thou art welcome. Dost thou think because thou art visiting, thou shalt receive cakes and ale?
BONNIEQUO: No cakes, but takest thou one of these chocolates; a handfulle I have grabbed for later repast.
MACSETH: (taking one) Uh... methinks these are definitely crayons, and not chocolates. Canst thou tell a hawk from a handsaw?
BONNIEQUO: Near the mints they lay! In faith, I thought they were chocolates!
Act 2, Scene 1 - Hotel
MACSETH: (knocking on door to hotel room) Hello?
BONNIEQUO: Come in!
MACSETH: (attempts door) I can't do thus, thy door is locked; at a hotel I shan't be shocked.
BONNIEQUO: Oh yeah. Forgotteth I. I shall get the door for you. (opens door.)
Act 2, Scene 2 - Hotel (later that evening)
MACSETH: Knock! Knock!
BONNIEQUO: Come in!
MACSETH: Thou art not helpful.
Act 3, Scene 1 - Car
PRINCE HAL: I am well-pleased to be here with my two brothers!
MACSETH: And we with you. Now we must hie to the temple for the batmitzvah!
MARC GRANTONY: Fear thee not, I know the way, it is just a right turn ahead.
SIRI: If thou wouldst make thy voyage deft, just up ahead thou shoudst turn left.
MARC GRANTONY: Strange, but I'll do so. I just know we must turn right in a mile.
SIRI: If timely arrival you would earn, in two miles make once more left turn.
MARC GRANTONY: I think I have taken us to the wrong city
MACSETH: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece.
Act 3, Scene 2 - Temple
MACSETH: We have finally arrived! And just in time to see our fair cousin's ceremony! (sits down in pew)
RABBI: Today this girl becomes a woman! But first let us sing the entirety of the Torah!
MACSETH: I should have used the bathroom earlier. To pee, or not to pee, that is the question -- Whether 'tis nobler in the pew to suffer the stings and sorrows of a swollen bladder, or to stand up amidst a sea of prayers.
REBECCA: I have chanted my Torah sections, and the message I take away is kindness to animals. It is why I am vegetarian, because we must be kind to animals. Please join me for lunch, we will serve chicken.
MACSETH: 'Twas ever thus, what's fair is foul, and fowl is fare.
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