Seth Brown: Reverse Alumni Fund takes solicitation to a new level

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Dear Adam,

We hope 2015 is off to a great start for you! If not, try to do better! This has been a cold winter, but our hearts are warmed by the fact that there is still time left for people to contribute to the 2014-15 Alumni Fund! And by our exuberance that we hope encourages generosity! We still have some work to do if we want to reach our annual goal, so we hope that if you haven't donated yet that you might take this opportunity to show your support, and if you have donated then you could show even more support by donating again. Whether your donation is $5 or $5,000, we will appreciate it — although we'll appreciate $5,000 a lot more!

Most Sincere Regards, Seth Brown '01 Alumni Fund Chairman

Dear Adam,

The bond between a college and its students continues long after graduation. And not just the memory of that regrettable party where you had too many White Russians. Alumni would not have the success they have achieved without the college, and the college continues to take pride in the accomplishments of its alumni. The Alumni Fund helps ensure that this relationship continues, even if the rest of your college relationships didn't. Won't you donate today? Ideally, right now?

Best Regards, Seth Brown

Dear Adam,

We realize that you have many worthy options of where to donate your money, so let me explain what makes our Alumni Fund different. Many Alumni Funds just involve a series of emails prodding alumni to donate to their alma mater, which was naturally responsible for their lucrative careers.

But did you know that this is not the case for all alumni? Our surveys have shown that most alumni who are still repaying college loans, and/or alumni who are underemployed, do not feel that they want to pay their college any more money, especially since the college has a lot more money than they do.

That's why we started the reverse Alumni Fund, the only Alumni Fund that funds alumni by asking colleges to donate money to them. Since you run a college, supporting the Alumni Fund is your chance to make sure that your alumni continue to bring honor to the college name.

Your Alumni Fund gift will support teachers from coast to coast who have been doing anything but coasting, experts in obscure topics who cannot seem to peddle their expertise, and artists and poets who only get paid for their work in the form of "Your grocery gross is fairly drastic // would you prefer paper or plastic?"

These alumni were all students with great potential; your donation helps give them a little kinetic. Everyone loves physics jokes, and donations!

Regards, Seth

Dear Adam,

Please send money. Please. Send. Money.

Thanks, S. Dawg

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, author of "From God To Verse", and serves as Chair of the Alumni Fund to Fund Alumni. His website is RisingPun.com.


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