Seth Brown | The Pun Also Rises: Have Yourself a Jovial Diminutive Christmas

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NORTH ADAMS >> With December finally behind us, I find that I don't want to hear the usual Christmas songs for another two years. Unfortunately, Christmas is coming again in less than a year, and there will be songs again. In order to improve the situation, every year or two I will re-write the lyrics to a classic Christmas song as part of a project I like to call "Crazy Uncle Seth's Unnecessarily Verbose Christmas Carols". Past entries have included "Festoon the Corridors" and "Allow it to Precipitate". I hope you will enjoy the following:

"Jovial Diminutive Christmas"

(To the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," but with more syllables)

Hold in your own possession a jovial diminutive Christmas

Allow your cardiological organ to experience a levitated status

Henceforth from the present moment

Our vexations will exist outside the perception radius of ocular apparatus

Hold in your own possession a jovial diminutive Christmas

Construct the Germanic midwinter festival's oceanic ebb and flow in a manner of high-spirited regard

Henceforth from the present moment

Our vexations will exist at a minimum distance of three thousand five hundred and twenty yards

At this location we exist comparably to antiquated periods of the earth's rotation

Jubilant aureate periods of the earth's rotation of yesteryear

Steadfast confederates for whom our affection has great endurance

In a precedented occurrence, assemble themselves not precisely at our location but next to here

Over the duration of numerous orbital periods every member of this company shall be co-present

Contingent on Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos not offering dissension

Suspend an illuminated celestial body from the greatest altitude reached by an arboreal extension

And hold in your own possession a jovial diminutive Christmas at our present location in the fourth dimension

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, the author of "From God To Verse", and has a preternatural predilection for superfluous sesquipedalianisms. His website is RisingPun.com.


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