Seth Brown | The Pun Also Rises: Hey Food, don't make it bad

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It's always difficult to keep up with modern research on nutrition. My older readers will probably remember being taught about the four major food groups: Grains, Dairy, Hufflepuff, and Ringo.

But kids today have been given a variety of confusing explanations with five food groups, six food groups, food pyramids, and possibly even food dodecahedrons.

I'm here to help clear up any confusion, by discussing the four modern major food groups: Mushy foods, crunchy foods, chewy foods and health foods.

Mushy foods are a dangerous plot to kill you. Everyone learns from a young age that you should chew your food. But upon receiving mushy food, you are likely to think to yourself, "Well, this clearly seems to be pre-chewed, so I guess I'll just swallow it." Then you choke and suffer an ignoble death.

Crunchy foods come in two main varieties, sharp foods designed to puncture the inside of your mouth, and rock hard foods designed to break your teeth. Either of these can render you incapable of properly chewing your food, leading to the aforementioned ignoble choking death.

Chewy food actually has three subcategories: Nonmeat substances, meat byproducts, and meat we-didn't-even-buy-the-product-we-got-it-for-free-products. This third group is generally found with the label "Meat," with no further explanation given. Conveniently, if you eat it, this is the same word that will appear on your autopsy — "Meat," with no further explanation given.

Meat byproducts are made from partially dead animals, which is why they taste delicious while you eat them. However, once you drink water, it brings the animals back to life and they run around in your stomach until you die.

As for the chewy nonmeat foods, these are almost invariably saturated with carbohydrates, which is Latin for "stuff used to carbon-date the hydra." Clearly, this is radioactive and will cause you to keel over and die from radiation poisoning.

At this point, you are probably thinking that health foods are your best option. Unfortunately, it's difficult to keep up with which foods are healthy. Every few months, I see a news article about how some random food has suddenly been deemed good for you or terrible for you or possibly both. Here are some actual health facts from a recent exhaustive study (me doing a few minutes of Internet research):

- Wine prevents heart attacks and improves mental function

- Chocolate improves mood and prevents heart attacks

- Milk lowers blood pressure and strengthens bones

- Wine weakens your heart and impairs mental function

- Chocolate causes depression and heart disease

- Milk causes cancer

As you can see, according to news articles online, pretty much every food you like is going to make you much healthier and also kill you. This has frustrated me for years, until this week when I had a sudden epiphany: I'm in a newspaper online!

Thus, it is my pleasure to present some new health findings backed by probably not much less science than the other ones I've been reading:

- Pizza will give you a strong and shiny tongue, but weaken your toes

- Burritos, also known as "Nature's Chimichangas," will increase beard growth in men, but also in women.

- Sushi will increase your ability to make out the lyrics in music that is being played quietly, but especially bad music.

In conclusion, the only safe thing to eat is grass. This is why cows have survived for hundreds of years. Unfortunately, this only works if you have four stomachs. This presents a logical solution: Get three friends and start chewing.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, the author of "From God To Verse," and causes heart disease but improves mental function. His website is RisingPun.com.

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