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THE PUN ALSO RISES

Seth Brown: Thanksgiving leftovers — and other tasty morsels

Food-KitchenSmarts-Thanksgiving Leftovers

Nothing beats Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches, posits humor columnist Seth Brown. Well, some things probably do, he concedes, but it's a high bar.

NORTH ADAMS — There’s nothing better than Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches.

Well, OK, obviously plenty of things would be better, such as the end of COVID or free universal health care. But in terms of things that I’m personally able to actualize this year, nothing beats Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches.

It’s all the best bits smooshed together into one delicious sandwich, and I love it. And I hope you also love leftovers, because I’ve once again gathered all my leftover ideas that never turned into a column. So please enjoy the following with some mayo and cranberry sauce.

* * *

One of the websites where I buy discount video game bundles is offering a bundle of courses teaching about cryptocurrency. Personally, I think the bundle sale itself teaches you a lot about cryptocurrency, because people claim it was worth over $3,000, but now they can’t even get $11 for it.

I’ve actually developed an environmentally friendly NFT alternative. It works like this: You pay me money, and I give you permission to use a really ugly Twitter avatar. It’s basically exactly how NFTs work, except we eliminate the middleman of destroying the environment.

* * *

I love when people suggest that younger folks who can’t afford a house ($200,000+) should just stop paying monthly for Netflix ($10+). It’s easy to presume these are people who bought their houses very cheaply a long time ago, but I like to imagine instead that they are people who formerly had very expensive elite-tier subscriptions to Netflix.

* * *

Fantasy books are very optimistic when they open the book with a three-page cast of characters and how they’re all related. I’m lucky if I can remember all my cousins’ names.

* * *

You’re watching GVNN, the Gun Violence News Network, bringing you coverage of the day’s mass shootings, every day. Catch our nightly 6 p.m. Shooter Roundup, where we cover some of today’s other gun deaths. (Obviously not all of today’s other gun deaths; only 24 hours in a day and this is America, after all.)

* * *

I can’t use laptops. Somehow my finger is too fat for the glide pad, and I always end up pushing the wrong button.

Trying to hit play on a Netflix show, I end up accidentally hitting next episode instead. It’s bad enough when I’m on my desktop computer reading Facebook, sweating like a surgeon hoping his hands are steady enough for the delicate operation. In this case, the operation is clicking the reaction button to a friend posting about a death in their family, because the “care” emoji is right next to the “haha” emoji. Better not slip!

Arguably I should say something, but it’s just as easy to say the wrong thing. “He lived a full life. What, he died at 33? Oh, well, uh... he’d be proud of you. Really, he disowned you? Maybe God has a plan. Oh, you think an omnipotent being should be able to have better plans than assigning heart attacks to your family members, and this is another reason you dislike my religion? Fair point. Tell you what, I’m gonna delete this whole comment thread and leave a care emoji.”

* * *

It’s clear that the climate crisis is an absolute disaster that we have to address, but the “we” really needs to be governmental and not individual. Because I always feel an overwhelming futility when I put my butter container in the recycling, and then read that airline companies routinely fly thousands of empty flights in the winter for business reasons. Even Paula Deen isn’t using enough butter to counteract that.

* * *

The best thing about the orange winter food family is that it’s all largely interchangeable. Pumpkin pie can be sweet potato pie, pumpkin soup can be squash soup, and you can carve a smiley face in a yam and leave it on your steps for Halloween. “Why did you make a jack-o-yamtern?”

“I’m out of my gourd.”

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of “From God To Verse,” and is a known yammerer. His website is RisingPun.com.

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