Jeremy Yudkin: Vote for Oaf!

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STOCKBRIDGE — An Oaf spends his life in luxury on inherited money. Being a sociopath removes him from normal constraints, so he uses his money to cheat others and make more money. He uses this additional money to hire lawyers to help him avoid any consequences for his corrupt business practices, tax evasion, and fraud.

Just for fun and for even greater publicity, he runs for president, appealing to people's worst instincts — and to his own immense surprise he wins. But he quickly convinces himself that this honor is completely justified, and will anyway give him the greatest possible platform in the world from which to continue doing what he does so well. So he continues to lie and cheat and steal, because that is what the Oaf has always done.

One day the Oaf flies to New York City and enters Manhattan in a motorcade. The motorcade stops on Fifth Avenue. The Oaf hauls himself out of the big black SUV and stands on the sidewalk with his bodyguard. After a huge crowd has gathered, he gestures to his bodyguard, and the bodyguard hands him a gun. The Oaf selects someone from the crowd at random and shoots her. He grins stupidly at the crowd for a while. Then he hoists himself back into the big black SUV, and the motorcade slowly drives him away.

The murder is seen by hundreds of people on the street, by law enforcement officials, including the local police and the FBI, thanks to the films taken on dozens of security cameras, and by millions of people on live television.

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The Congressional Republicans say 1) that the murder didn't happen; 2) that the murder was obviously committed by a Democrat wearing an Oaf mask; 3) that all the people on the street, all the police, and especially the FBI, are NeverOafers, so they must be lying; 4) that the security cameras were put there by the Deep State; 5) that anyway the Oaf did the murder to protect the people of the United States from attacks by foreign people; 6) that nobody said clearly and slowly to the Oaf, "You have just shot someone on Fifth Avenue; you are not supposed to do that"; and 7) that even if he did commit murder, the Oaf's courage, support of American values, belief in the rule of law, adherence to decency, and commitment to the American Constitution are so strong he should be immediately re-elected.

In fact, they say, why don't we just save ourselves all the trouble and expense of having to lie and sputter and pout and mislead in public, all the nuisance of having to gerrymander all those voting districts, close the polling booths in Democratic districts, pack the courts, and continue to allow further Russian manipulation of the next election. Why go to all that trouble? Why don't we just make him Oaf for Life?

Then he can really make money, and so can we. He can pardon all those who have committed war crimes or treason (including himself), spied for the Russians, rigged elections, defrauded the government, and lied to Congress on his behalf. Finally he can just cancel the elections.

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Then we Congressional Republicans can keep our cushy jobs, enjoy our powerful positions, and keep sucking money out of the pockets of working-class and middle-class people in order to pour it into the pockets of the one percent (i.e. us and our cronies). We know which side our bread is buttered on.

Vote for Oaf! (Or rather, don't bother, we'll do it for you.)

Jeremy Yudkin lives in Stockbridge


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