Seth Brown | The Pun Also Rises: Multitasking masking

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Last weekend was too hot. And it was even worse in some places outside of New England, where the temperature topped 100 degrees. Any time you could crawl into a living human because their internal body temperature would be relatively colder (and not just to avoid the news), you know it's too hot.

Many people are finding the climate overwhelming, and I'm referring to the heat, the coronavirus, the cancelation of everything, the creeping fascism, the whole 2020 deluxe platter. And sometimes it seems impossible to deal with any of it, because it's too hard to focus on one problem without worrying about all the other ones. That's why I have some great 2020 survival tips that address multiple problems at once!

Wear a mask!

Not only will it help protect your community from coronavirus, but it will also make facial recognition more difficult, thereby lowering your chances of being randomly grabbed and thrown into an unmarked van by unidentified paramilitary forces, or being tracked down and targeted as retribution for protesting. Also, you can decorate your mask with creative faces or teeth to have some fun, which you may as well enjoy since Halloween is probably not happening.

Break up ice!

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Having a bowl of ice chips near an open window or fan is a great way to get some cool air circulating in your room. And speaking of circulating air, a great way to keep children (and adults!) healthier is to avoid anything that would have them confined in small indoor spaces, such as an overzealous Immigration and Customs Enforcement department that would separate children from their families and keep them in cages.

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Get refrigerated trucks!

Texas and Arizona have recently requested refrigerated trucks, which could totally help people trying to stay cool in the middle of a heat wave! Unfortunately, in this case these particular refrigerated trucks are being ordered because hospital morgues are already filled up from coronavirus cases and they need more space for bodies.

I realize that sounds pretty depressing, but there was recently some good news regarding the coronavirus. The director of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Dr. Robert Redfield, recently said that if everyone wore a mask for the next six weeks, the COVID-19 pandemic would be driven into the ground. In other words, we could see an end to the millions of cases, the hospitalizations, the hundred thousand deaths, the businesses closing, the social distancing, and worst of all, the many, many Zoom meetings. All of it could be over in a month and a half if everyone just agreed to take a very simple action of wearing a mask to benefit their friends, family, community, and country. All it would take is for people to put the lives of others above their own personal convenience.

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Obviously that's not going to happen on this planet, so it's time to explore Mars! The United Arab Emirates launched a mission to Mars on Monday morning in Japan, and China and the U.S. both have Mars missions scheduled within the next month. There's even a current Groupon for buying an acre of land on Mars, brought to my attention by one of my readers who is not only smart (like all of my readers, who are far too intelligent to succumb to any cheap pandering), but also pretty, and I'm not just saying that because I'm dating her. It's also because she's going to read this.

Admittedly, actually getting to Mars to visit your acre of land may prove difficult. And the climate on Mars is not exactly hospitable. But early reports are good — so far every human on Mars has been wearing a mask, and not breathing on anyone else.

And best of all, no Zoom meetings.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse", and just needs to find his Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator. His website is


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