Seth Brown | The Pun Also Rises: The Snow Must Go On
Last weekend, which according to my calendar was technically "May," we had a little snowstorm. Many people posted about it. My friend Curtis even wrote a funny song about it. Numerous people have complained about it directly to me, feeling "betrayed" by Mother Nature or suggesting I wrote a strong letter to the Governor of Weather.
But I say, hooray for May snowstorms! That's right, I'm saying the snow is a good thing! And to help you all appreciate May snowstorms too, here's a short list of reasons why May snowstorms are great:
- A perfect excuse for forgetting Mother's Day. "Yes, I know Mother's Day is only once a year, but how often is it snowing in May?"
- Will give us a better saying than "April showers bring May flowers." In my school we used to follow it up with "And Mayflowers bring pilgrims," but I think we can still agree that "April showers bring May snowstorms" is more accurate. But it's not even close to rhyming. So I'm proposing, "April's bad weather May last forever." Catchy, right?
- May snowstorms will keep millennials from "getting soft." As you may know, once you've been a newspaper columnist for over 20 years, you are contractually obligated to write negative things about "those spoiled Millennial kids," although you are not obligated to realize that a majority of millennials are in their 30s now and have not been young kids for some time, nor are you obligated to realize that the actual young kids these days are having a pretty rough go of it too. But anyway, if you're sufficiently embittered that you hate it when people who aren't you just have a nice time, good news: snowstorms in May might make them less happy! Hooray!
- Protection from bears. As we learned from Stephen Colbert, bears are godless killing machines. However, bears hibernate in winter, keeping us safe as long as there's snow on the ground. So if we have enough snowstorms in May, the bears might return to their caves and press the snooze button.
- Keeps people inside. This is a time to continue avoiding contact with other people to prevent the COVID-19 infection from spreading. Yet in spite of all the science, the medical professionals, the 1.3 million confirmed cases in the US (even with less testing than we should have), and the over 80,000 deaths from the virus so far ... there are certain people who seem intent on avoiding commonsense, trying to reopen things too soon, refusing to wear masks to protect others, forwarding ridiculous Plandemic videos, or claiming the entire thing is a hoax. Facts will not keep people inside. But Mother Nature is aware of that, and is sending us help to keep people inside, by way of snowstorms and murder hornets. Thanks, Mother Nature!
- Makes my jokes better. I always like to say, "I love Spring, it's my favorite week." And this snowstorm has only made that line more relevant. If you still did not find this column funny, perhaps we just need more snow.
- Gives us a do-over. I think we can agree that pretty much everything since January has been subpar. Maybe if it snows enough, it means that it's really still January, and we have a hope that 2020 might still turn out to be okay. Meanwhile, I'm going back to my cave.
Seth Brown of North Adams is an award-winning humor writer and the author of "From God To Verse." His website is RisingPun.com.
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