The Pun Also Rises | Seth Brown: Course catalog for returning students
We at Wossamotta University are excited to welcome you to the 2019-2020 academic year. Well, mainly we're excited to welcome your tuition dollars, but in order for us to get those you probably want classes and whatnot. And boy, do we have some whatnot for you! Here's a full catalog:
AMST 220 — When Was It Not Terrible?
Yes, things are terrible now, but were they ever not? We'll explore different times in American history thought of as "the good old days," from the '50s "Duck and Cover" era, to the Cold War of the 1980s. We will pay special attention to the fortunate generation who went to school after the ever-present threat of nuclear war but before the ever-present threat of school shootings.
ARCH 210 — Soul-Crushing Architecture
This course will explore the many ways in which architecture may be used to foment misery and despair, from bleak gray walls to unpleasantly angled benches. This course will teach the value of making public spaces uncomfortable for everyone as long as it disconveniences the homeless.
ARTH 101 — Art History Is Interesting, We Swear!
We know, art history sounds super boring, but we promise it's filled with cool stuff! Did you know Gustav Klimt used to cover the pages of his sketchbooks with cat urine? Wacky, right? Please enroll so our department isn't defunded!
BIO 420 — Advanced Hydroponics
Due to over enrollment, this course will not be available to anyone who has not already preregistered.
CHEM 500 — Wonders Of Caffeine
Coffee is the most popular drug in America. But the modern caffeine fiend can choose from tea, energy drinks and even pills. We'll discuss the necessity of caffeine every Tuesday and Thursday at 7 a.m.
CSCI 101 — Password Management
We'll discuss why your password shouldn't be "password" or even "swordfish." Extra credit if you manage to register under someone else's login.
ECON 200 — Expected Value of College Degrees
We will chart the cost, value and opportunity cost of a college degree over time. Note that no refunds will be offered for this course after finding the answers.
ENGL 202 — Shakespeare: Not That Great
In this course we will examine the proposition that Shakespeare was just the pop entertainment of the time, and has no more merit than Monty Python or Beyonce.
ENVI 401/ECON 401 — Real Estate Futures
This cross-disciplinary class will explore the possibilities of investing in various inland properties that will become oceanfront in 30 years.
GEO 101 — Rocks for Mocks
Some people take it for granite that the Geology 101 course will be easy, but of quartz you'll find those sediments to be a complete load of schist.
HIST 220 — We're Still The Good Guys, Right?
A survey course looking at countries who have locked up large portions of their population while demonizing others, and how history tends to view them.
MATH 301 — Calculating College Loans
Whether you have extra loan fees, consolidation issues, or just a minimum monthly payment, we will calculate how much and how long you will be paying for this education.
MUSC 220 — Destroying Nostalgia
This course will give students the information to debate older people who complain about "those awful modern rap music lyrics." We will cover decades from Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti," to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way."
PHIL 201 — Does It Matter?
Facing the breakdown of our political system, destruction of the environment and a dubious future at best, students may be asking themselves: Is there any point to anything? Students who apply themselves in this course will be guaranteed an A on their transcript, which you will no longer find meaningful.
PSCI 102 — The Golden Era
We will examine the brief period in history where politicians found being racist and sexually accosting women to be a hindrance to their campaign.
PSYC 302 — Freudian Psychology
This course will examine the work of Sigmund Freud, his work with the unconscious, and people's tendency to sometimes say the wrong peni-- I mean, uh, thing.
REL 301 — Flexible Chrisianity
Whether you want to share Jesus' message while working against the poor, preach the sanctity of marriage while cheating on yours, or proclaim the inviolability of Biblical law while eating a bacon cheeseburger and wearing mixed fabrics, this course will offer excuses to cover it.
THEA 240 — Comedy
This course will explore the challenges of comedy, notably that funny endings are very difficult.
TALK TO US
If you'd like to leave a comment (or a tip or a question) about this story with the editors, please email us. We also welcome letters to the editor for publication; you can do that by filling out our letters form and submitting it to the newsroom.